Walking...

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.
- John Ruskin

This was the quote at the top of my home page when I logged on tonight. I realize how often I put value on what I think or what I know or what I believe in; I hope I act in accordance and often.

A Valentine's Day Mini-Manifesto (i.e. "Mini-Festo")

Nine and a half years ago I married the man I fell in love with. We went to a church, got dressed up, invited all our friends & family, and committed to a lifetime of intentional love. No one challenged us. Everyone was excited for us and celebrated with us. Love was abundant and our marriage was celebrated.

Legend has it that back in the early 200's CE Emperor Claudius II made a ruling to cancel all engagements and ban any weddings from taking place. His reason? He thought men didn't want to join in his misguided, violent military campaigns because they didn't want to leave families behind. Reportedly the priest Valentinus (or Valentine) rebelled by intentionally performing illegal marriages against the Emperor's ruling. Valentinus believed in love and believed in celebrating the decision to marry those who committed to loving each other.

I'm dedicating my Valentine's Day to everyone who speaks & acts out in love, especially when it's an act of defiance. I believe in the transformative power of love. I believe if Saint Valentine were alive today he'd be performing wedding ceremonies for same-sex and/or gender-nonconforming couples as fast as possible.

I also believe that Saint Valentine would be in good company when he insisted on celebrating love. Can anyone think of another popular historical figure who preached Love?

I'm proud to be a Christian. I'm proud to be an outspoken advocate of love. I'm proud to defy the world when it tries to prevent love from flourishing. God is Love. Love wins. Happy Valentines day, fellow rebels.

Where To Begin?

I've been a stay-at-home mom for over 3 1/2 years. Part of the time I was employed but did the work from home. Prior to getting pregnant my jobs were diverse & hard to classify - mostly I was in service to communities via AmeriCorps, A*VISTA, or church programs, but almost always with non-profits.

Now my kids are old enough to easily leave with babysitters, and my older one will be in preschool starting this fall. I'm settled in my new house, my neighborhood, my psyche. I'm ready to branch out and find something to engage my creativity & abilities outside of just the home & kids.

The problem is that I don't know where to begin. I've had diverse experience and I have diverse interests & abilities, so I don't know how to categorize myself or narrow the field of what I might even look for.

In no particular order, I have experience and/or a passion for the following:

• natural parenting
• cooperatives
• organic gardening/cooking/eating
• community organizing
• herbal medicine/natural health organizing as well as in practice
• customer service
• being a waitress
• being a self-driven secretary, including writing/editing a monthly newsletter
• natural pregnancy/labor/birth, including working with a midwife & doula, home birth, water birth, sharing birth stories, nurturing a community of women, dispelling fears
• making my own baby food
• knitting
• making cards
• political & social justice action
• LGBTQ advocacy
• writing, proofreading, editing
• music - anything related to piano playing, singing and choirs
• house & commercial cleaning, primarily with all natural/non-toxic cleaning products
• the world of church & organized religion, primarily with CRC in the past and UCC now
• working with/on a board of directors
  

I'm sure there are several other categories and I'm sure I'm not at all unique. Most people have diverse interests & abilities. My challenge is trying to narrow any of it into a field that I'm interested in actively looking toward for employment -- or even simply a creative engagement for myself. I don't know how to sell myself if I can't even focus on one area of my interest & ability. If I choose one field it forces me to pass by the others which I tend to be unwilling to do.

So what do YOU do? What tips do you, my friends & family, have for me? How did you narrow your field of interests & abilities to seek out something to keep you busy? Or did you wait for something to find you? I'm starting to become restless but I don't know where to begin.

Day After Inauguration

I can't help but think about W...how must it feel to be him today? What a sense of relief...and probably some depression...and anxiety...and boredom? Can you imagine the psychological, emotional, physical letdown? To be President of the USA one day and the next day...to be a former President of the USA? And one who was (and is) highly despised. I have very little, if anything, positive to say about his administration but I can't help but think that he's only human too. It's got to be hard to be hated, and bid farewell with such relief that he's gone.

Written January 7, 2009...Posted June 16, 2010

Something's going on and I can't figure it out. I'm having a very "Anne Lamott" time in life right now...so I'm trying to experience it through her humor & faith by listening. Maybe I'll even write stuff out and stick my note in my "God Box" or my glove box for the gnomes. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need to read Traveling Mercies, Plan B, and/or Grace Eventually.

But I notice that I keep trying to escape. With every moment I'm turning to distractions: movies, internet (especially Facebook), chocolate, coffee, wine or beer...all sorts of junk and busyness that I can easily justify but are only healthy in moderation if at all. I don't know where this is going to get me (or even if I'll post it at all...it's more of a journalistic "thinking as I write it out" kind of cathartic experiment) and I'm feeling the gravitational pull toward chocolate and a drink, but I'm going to go with it for a bit. Even though I should be planning/prepping dinner. But that's another symptom...I'm avoiding all my "normal," practical responsibilities too. I'm definitely trying to work something out. If only I could figure out what it is...

I'm reevaluating many of my assumptions and expectations, especially about houses. My soul is crying out for a little less pushing & hurrying, a little more space & time. I'm realizing that since moving back to Grand Rapids I've been more or less trying to recreate for my children the life I lived as a child in Grand Rapids. I had a great childhood, so this isn't a bad thing. However, I've failed myself in terms of really checking in and making sure it's what I truly WANT for the next phase of life. Do I want to re-live the last 30 years, but as the adult this time? I'm not sure. Ack - it just hit me - am I having a midlife crisis? Perhaps. But I feel that it's more of a realization that I could GET TO crisis if I don't slow down & check in before making a rushed & less honest decision.

I need some chickens. Or a goat. Definitely a compost pile and a place to grow things. A corner of property that's truly wild and beckons to me and the kiddos to explore, because there truly are things there to discover and NOT just manicured lawn. I don't actually want farm animals personally, but I'd like it if I had some neighbors who did. I'd like farms or open fields or forest (or desert?!) to be much closer to my home than malls & office buildings.

There are several things I love about being in a larger city again, but there's a spirit of wildness in me that cries for space. I may not literally need to live in a more rural place in order to feel peacefully at home here, but I'm going to explore that option.

What else might I be stuck about though? And how do I discover it? Must I fast from all my distractions?

Go East, Young Woman!

I get stuck in routines that I think serve me nicely...and eventually realize that I'm going stir-crazy & desperately need something to change.

I've decided (a few months early) to make some resolutions. Well, one for now anyway.

1. I resolve to learn new things.

My first challenge is with an eastern focus. I started taking belly dancing classes two weeks ago. It's hard! But it's great for my body, I love the music of the middle and far east, and I'm meeting some great women. I also love the instructor, Laura, who is a friend of mine from about 7 years ago. If anyone reading this is in the GR area and interested in dance or yoga, check out the Armenta Studio. You'll love it!

The second challenge is to begin learning Hindi. My pragmatic, realist self thinks I'm nuts. But I've been fascinated with India (specifically) for several years and find the language to be incredibly beautiful - written and spoken! I'm still looking for practical applications for this challenge. I might consider sponsoring a child from India (through Children International or something) as one. Perhaps an older child, and I can practice writing to him or her. I'm also making plans to spend the summer of 2028 in India. I think it's realistic to expect that twenty years from now I might be comfortable enough with the language to converse with the locals, be able to afford the time and cost of the adventure, and LOVE having a memorable vacation with my husband of 27 years. But tonight I took the first step - I bought "Teach Yourself Hindi" - a complete kit with a book & two CDs.

Good-bye, ruts!

Yes I Can!

My favorite moment of the day so far:

I was so nervous I'd make a stray mark...I had my baby in my left arm but tried to hold the ballot with my left hand anyway. Anson kept grabbing the sides of the little booth and trying to suck on it. I lowered my pen to fill the oval and felt my stomach simultaneously rise to my throat and sink to my gut - what butterflies! I've never, ever felt so excited & terrified about an election.

Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. Please God. Please.